October 4, 2022
5 Dumbest Things About The 'Jurassic Park' Franchise

Once upon a time, we would have said that the dumbest thing about the Jurassic Park movies is the fact that people flocked to the second park despite the clear risk of death, but that part doesn’t seem so fantastic anymore. Therefore, we as a culture must settle on a new “dumbest part” of this franchise, at least until dinosaurs are cloned for real, and we find out that it’s all 100% accurate. Here are some contenders …

Jurassic Park is a cautionary tale about how nature can’t be contained and how putting one shady, disgruntled IT guy in charge of a massive automated system no one else really understands is a dumbass idea. It’s not that there aren’t any competent people working in the park — for instance, there’s the resident killer animal expert who warns about various security risks early in the film, only for the owner to react with a “Huh. Who’s up for some Chilean sea bass?”

That one IT guy easily makes the entire park collapse by temporarily shutting down the security system to steal some dino-jizz, but when you think about it he did the world a favor. By sabotaging the park before it opened, he caused a handful of deaths but prevented the carnage that inevitably would have resulted if they’d started ferrying tourists into this negligent death trap. Dennis Nedry is the true hero of this series. 

Jurassic World was set 22 years later and revealed that the world-class geniuses behind the new park had made two important innovations: 1) giant hamster balls and 2) somehow even worse security in some key aspects. Not only are there fewer electric fences and trenches than in the original park, but the security system apparently can’t keep track of which gates are open or automatically recall the visitors’ vehicles, unlike Nedry’s setup in the ’90s. There’s a middle point between “give control of the entire park to one guy” and “just let teenagers roam free in some stupid pods that should have ended up covered in dirt and dino-poop within five minutes.”

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